Child abuse isn't something we like to talk about, but we need to. We need to help one another heal; we need to discover what causes predatory behavior and figure out how to make it genuinely unacceptable. #stopbeforeitstarts www.themidlifemamas.com

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I’ve had this post, half-written, on the back burner, simmering in my brain, almost since day one of starting Spoil My Family. It’s not pretty, so I’ve been a little afraid to write it. It’s forced me to admit some ugly truths and to make decisions about what changes I want to make to feel better about myself and my impact on the world. I hope this story and others will inspire you to examine your own life to see if you play a part in normalizing abuse in America.

I’m trying to understand my place in our society that allows, and even encourages, sexual predators to target babies, children, young women and men, and even adults. One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before they turn 18. Let. That. Sink. In. How many friends do you interact with routinely? Ten? Twelve? So you can do the math. And how many friends are in your more extended circles? Chilling thought, isn’t it? And it’s estimated that less than ten percent of child sexual abuse is ever reported to police.

Child abuse isn't something we like to talk about, but we need to. We need to help one another heal; we need to discover what causes predatory behavior and figure out how to make it genuinely unacceptable. #stopbeforeitstarts www.themidlifemamas.com

So now I have questions. Is this an acceptable place for us to be? Have we unknowingly normalized this behavior in our culture – day after day?

So, just to take you down the rabbit hole that started this whole thought juggernaut… Confession: while doing cardio on an elliptical, I listen to… thump, thump. I’m using “thump, thump” to refer to a particular beat and tempo and not to any particular genre of music. This is not what I would listen to while I’m doing anything else – just at the gym. I’m typically focused on the thump, thump and trying to power through.

Thump, thump keeps me going.  It gives me the rush of whatever I need to do 30-60 minutes of cardio without wimping out. Or going easy on myself. Or deciding that the present moment would better be spent on a latte. And my experience is completely backed up by scientific research. Music facilitates exercise performance by (1) reducing feelings of fatigue, (2) increasing levels of psychological arousal, (3) inducing a physiological relaxation response and (4) improving motor coordination. Score one for the thump, thump.

And, truth be told, I’m not really “listening” to the music in any real way. I am not wanting to understand, remember, or even know, the lyrics. My experience is again backed by the research. We have a limited capacity to process information; so reading lyrics would take 100% of my focus. However, if I’m dancing in a club (and presumably working out in the gym), I’m processing a lot of other information at the same time so it’s easy to gloss over lyrics and images and not be as easily offended.

Nevertheless, one day, I caught a seriously disturbing string of lyrics.

“Take ya ASAP, to the room ASAP; Zoom zoom ASAP, boom boom take that; Ooh, I like that when you fight back.

Really?  Boom, boom, take that?? I like it when you fight back???? Here’s a tip for ya’ stud: if she “fights back,” she’s just not that into you. And it’s not consensual. And that’s called rape. If she’s asleep or unconscious, she’s just not that into you – at least in the moment. And it’s STILL not consensual. And it’s STILL rape.

And let’s not forget Blurred Lines, “the most controversial song of the decade.” And any number of 100’s of other lyrics, tv shows, movies, and videos out there positing women as sexual objects instead of human beings. It’s everywhere. Just everywhere. My friend is sending her daughter off to college this fall. You know the most important piece of advice she gave? “If you didn’t bring it with you to the party, don’t drink it.”

And lest you think this is a new phenomenon, remember “sweet” little tunes like “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” According to her, “the answer is no.” According to him “Put some records on while I pour…” And if you don’t know the lyrics at the beginning of the Stones’ “Brown Sugar,” I can’t even. Who writes this stuff? And why would anyone want to sing it? And still. We listen. I love the Stones.

I could never have written such lovely words or thought more true thoughts as the acutely wise Dr. Maya Angelou:

“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pegoratives and sexual pegoratives and all that ignorance.  Don’t do that. Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are all things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. The get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally into you.”

5.1 people out of 100,000 are murdered each year. Simple concept: murder is bad; society discourages it. The relatively small (although still tragic) numbers reflect that. One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before they turn 18. Compare the two statistics. Do they reflect different values?

Our society promotes and even glorifies molestation and sexual violence in all forms of media – television, movies, print, and radio. Or these numbers wouldn’t look like this. There. I said it. If molestation and rape were not normalized in our society, one in three girls and one in six boys wouldn’t have experienced sexual abuse before they turn 18. It’s this normalization of thoughts, words, and lyrics that numbs us to the atrocities taking place.

[bctt tweet=”It’s this normalization of thoughts, words, and lyrics that numbs us to the atrocities taking place. #endbeforeitstarts #preventabuse” username=”@SpoilMy”]

The concept has been termed “rape culture.” I used to think this was an absurdity. Who, in this day and age, would live in a “rape culture?”

If women were getting carjacked or kidnapped in these numbers – one in five – “we’d call it a public crisis. That we accept it as normal, even inevitable, is all the evidence I need [to substantiate the existence of rape culture.]” Jaclyn Friedman, author Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape and A World Without Rape. “If we already despise rapists, why are they so rarely held accountable in any way?,” Friedman asks. An analysis by RAINN found that 97% of rapists never spend a single day in jail for their crimes. “What we really despise is the idea of rapists: a terrifying monster lurking in the bushes, waiting to pounce on an innocent girl as she walks by,” Friedman says. “But actual rapists, men who are usually known to (and often loved by) their victims? Men who are sometimes our sports heroes, political leaders, buddies, boyfriends and fathers? Evidence suggests we don’t despise them nearly as much as we should.” – Time Magazine, March 27, 2014.

The issue is normalization. What we hear in our music and see on our televisions seems normal. And the more often we see and hear it, the more normal we think it is. So, each time I buy a CD or download a song, the portrayal of women becomes slightly more normalized for me. I buy in just a little bit more. In downloading any given song, I send a message: Hey, artist! I like what you’re singing! I want to hear your words! Keep those words coming! I’ll keep rewarding you and your words with money, fame and prestige. Let’s recap:

“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pegoratives and sexual pegoratives and all that ignorance.  Don’t do that. Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are all things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. The get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally into you.”

Not only are words “things,” but so are images. The images in videos, advertising, on television, in print, and in movies are all “things” that can get on the walls. So when I reward misogynistic and otherwise creepy song lyrics, videos, television shows, or images with my attention or my purchase, I become just a little bit complicit in a society and culture that inflicts real, tangible, and lasting harm. On real people.

I’m not saying that we, personally, created the status quo – but we aren’t stopping it either. It’s been around for a long time. The words are there. They are in the air, on the walls, in your wallpaper, your rugs, upholstery and clothes. Have they gotten into you yet?

Child abuse in America isn't something we like to talk about, but we need to. We need to help one another heal; we need to discover what causes predatory behavior and figure out how to make it genuinely unacceptable. #stopbeforeitstarts www.themidlifemamas.com

This month an amazing group of bloggers is joining together to share stories and take a stand. Click on the image above or here for more information on child abuse and to get links for all of these great stories. Some stories are personal, others will share tips on keeping your children safe, or even how to start a conversation with your children about personal safety.